This is a post I wrote a couple years ago for the other blog. It was probably the hardest post I ever wrote. It was the scariest one I ever hit publish on. I am even a little nervous to hit it again this time but I don’t want it lost in oblivion now that WJL is closed and gone.
I feel compelled to write about what is now referred to as “the dark age” of my life, how I got out of it and what I learned. It is a little scary for me to talk about since it is a time in my life I have come to terms with but am not proud of. I am not sure how to tell the tale so I am just going to let it all pour out.
When I was in my early twenties, I was in a two year relationship that should have only lasted about half that. Unfortunately, I was young, in love and we lived together. I believed that if I just tried hard enough I could save him from himself and therefore our relationship. I knew then as I know now that it just isn’t possible to change someone else. They have to want it for themselves. But that did not stop me from trying anyway.
After about a year together, my partner at the time started doing heroine and then all the things that come or go with that lifestyle. He was smoking it not using needles, so at least there’s that comfort. Needlessly to say, it changed our life. I thought about leaving for a long time and every time I tried he somehow managed talk me into staying. I was guilted into staying because according to him and his mother, he had nothing else if I left. That was a lot of responsibility to take on. It was a heavy burden that I carried not realizing that it wasn’t mine to carry. I understand his motivations behind it but I still have trouble with his mom putting all that on me. Why should I of had that load if his own family didn’t feel the same obligation to it?
My family loved me and supported me through this crazy time in my life. Even though I am sure it was hard for them to see me making the mess out of my life that I was. I tried to hide as much of it as I could from them because I didn’t want them think I was failing or how poorly my choices were turning out. I was embarrassed and ashamed and tried not to turn to them about it.
The turning pointing for me was the darkest place I will hopefully ever experience. Although, his addiction came with its share of mental and emotional abuse it had never been physical. The end came one night when that changed. I tried to leave that night but he was threatening to kill the cats if I did and my compassion for them out weighed my sense of self-preservation. The next morning he agreed to move out because now sober even he was afraid of what had occurred the night before. I went to work that day and later that night the chaos started again. Unfortunately, he didn’t stay sober. He called me at work clearly high and crazed convinced the reason we were splitting was because I wanted someone else. No buddy it’s your problem not mine. He was in rage and trashing our apartment completely threatening the cats again. I called his sister to try to see if her husband could help me deal with him as I was afraid to go home. They picked me up from work. We ended up calling the cops and they came and took him away. He spent a month in jail and I felt guilty. Why?
I went and stayed with my Aunt in Washington State for a bit to recharge. When I came back I decided I couldn’t live there anymore and decided to move. I had a friend stay with me until I did as I was afraid to be there alone. I learned a lot about myself in that time. I learned that although I have a compassion and a need to take care of people, I need to take care of myself first. That what I want and need is important. I truly learned the only person you can save is yourself. I learned that I am stronger than I was giving myself credit for. I will forever be thankful for the fact that through all that had happened I never became a drug user.
In letting go of the pain, anger and all the negative emotions that came from that darkness I have been able to move forward and find peace in my life. Enough time has passed now that I can think about the good times we had before it all went wrong. I remember and keep some of his family close in my heart even if they may not be apart of my life now. I hope and pray that he figured out a way to turn his life around.
Scott has his own version of the dark ages and understands me like no one else has. I am thankful for him and his patience with me. That I have someone to be silly or serious with. Our relationship isn’t perfect as I suspect none are. We have our ups, downs, and challenges but he is my biggest supporter and my best friend. He is my safe haven in this world, my rock.
